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Now I am standing on the stage, enjoying the warm yellow light shining on me. I can see the clapping hands of the audiences. From my professor’s eyes, I can feel her proud of me. I will never forget about the moment, about the speech I made.
I’m an imaginative person, but I had never imagined being a speaker. My mind is always filled with colorful ideas and thoughts. But once I opened my mouth, they became so pale.
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When I am standing in the front of the room, watching the eyes of my classmates around me, my hands would start sweating, and my legs would start shaking. The words could not come out of my mouth coherently and logically.
Knowing my weakness in speaking, I convinced myself that I would not fit in any of the clubs that require me presenting. So, I chose to be the person behind the scene. Along with my group in costume crew and stage crew, I enjoyed the time designing the costumes and built the stages.
I expressed my feelings on canvases. It is so much easier to lift my brush and outline my mind than changing it to concrete words. I had always been defined as that quiet girl who is good at drawing.
When I watch the speakers and players performing, I feel so proud of the work we have done. However, from my deep heart, I started to picture the person standing on the stage is not anyone else but me.
From that moment, I know that I want to do better. I know that I have to make a change.
In 2019, when I was signing up for GSS Summer School, the first class I chose to take was Public Speaking. When I clicked the confirm button, I was more nervous and more confident than at any time. I promised I will try my best to finish this impossible task for myself.
Then I started to regret. Watching all of my classmates answering questions in English fluently with no accent, I had to force myself to speak louder and better. I remember walking on the lane outside the school building before class, practicing the same five-minute-long speech, again and again, imaging someone could walk straight up to me and shoot me then I don’t have to do the speech. My journey has already started once I entered the classroom on the first day. It took me a lot of effort to step out of my comfort zone. But after I took my first step forward, I can never stop my pace.
And I finally did it. I couldn’t believe how calm I was in the spotlight. I made a lot of mistakes. I may still have a Chinese accent when I speak. My gestures might not be natural enough. But it doesn’t matter to me. I have finally conquered the deepest fear in my heart. Whatever difficulties in the future I am facing, I will take it. Because I am no longer the girl hiding behind the canvas. I am ready for the future.
Jeanne Morales
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