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Attached is my personal statement for the media and entertainment management program at Ithaca College. I had one of my professor’s look it over and this was her feedback:
I had a chance to look it over. Reads very well, though I would ditch “hence” and ‘thus.”
Those take away from the conversational and person style of writing you’ve used.
Can you rephrase or condense some of those opening sentences to say why you need to understand and study the business side – basically to give you a deeper understanding of the biz as you prepare for career?
Remove the reference to “would love to” study the biz side. So would a lot of people – show why it’s key to your path and what you can bring to the program as a student – media experiences, etc.
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